Wise for Love: Dodging Bullets and Learning to Walk Away.
“These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless, and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends.” ~Alanis Morissette
Linda found herself in a relationship with a man I’ll call Clyde, who turned out to be a rabid pessimist. No one and nothing escaped his gloom. He doubted a rainy morning could burst into afternoon sunshine. He knew he would never find a parking place. He did not watch his cholesterol or exercise because he was certain the insurance company would screw him out of treatment, and besides he was not going to live past the age of 65 anyhow, since that’s when he would be eligible for his retirement benefits, and “life” probably intended to screw him out of those too.
At the start of their relationship, Linda did not know any of this. Clyde muscled his pessimism into submission long enough to disarm Linda’s sensibilities so that she gave undue significance to what he presented as his Attributes. Namely, he could cook two kinds of chicken on the grill (Linda LOVED chicken!), was a “pretty good” kisser (Linda LOVED kissing!), and he could accurately guess the time of day, within 15 minutes (Linda LOVED a guy who was on time, give or take 15 minutes!).
One day Linda came to her senses. On their first weekend away together, the now exasperating Clyde (for he no longer concealed his pessimism from Linda) found much lacking in the Holiday Inn they checked into. His petty complaints about the location of their room, the quality of the toiletries, and the packaged pastries offered for breakfast, were just a warm up for the grand event of the trip on their final morning, which involved Clyde slipping in the tub. As he fell, Clyde grabbed the brittle plastic shower curtain, which popped off it’s hooks sounding for all the world like Clyde had completely lost his mind and fired off a BB gun in the bathroom. Linda rushed in and was forced to witness Clyde’s gray naked body flop about in the tub as he struggled for traction. When they checked out, Clyde made a huge stink with the adolescent assistant to the assistant manager who, because he was not authorized to promptly refund Clyde’s entire hotel bill, became the recipient of a tongue lashing that caused the teen to reach for the mace stuffed into the front packet of his back pack while he simultaneously dialed 911.
Hours later, after Clyde had been arrested for assault of a minor, Linda called a taxi and paid $168.00 to be taken to her sister’s house, three hours away. She never saw Clyde again. But truth be told, she actually wondered, revealing her own brand of pessimism, if Clyde was all she could expect in a world that had so far, let her down in the romance and relationship department.
Many Wisdom Seekers have been here: in a romantic relationship with the awareness of the awful knowledge that this is a Big Mistake. Yet, like watching a speeding car in the rear view mirror, knowing full well that the inattentive driver cannot stop in time to avoid a crash, there appears to be nowhere else to go.
When it comes to relationships, not only do we need wisdom when we choose a mate, but we also need wisdom to avoid people who are absolutely not right for us. It is confusing because people are not always who they seem to be in the beginning. As Linda said about Clyde, “I just dodged a bullet.”
What does wisdom tell us about walking away from ill matched romantic partners? While no stranger to heartbreak, Lisa Foley is better known for her incredible resilience when she realized the person she married was not the person he seemed to be. When her then husband walked out on her and their small son, leaving only a note behind on the fireplace mantel, Lisa’s illusions evaporated. At first, she felt vulnerable and suspicious; she sure did not want to fall for someone like that again. In time, she learned to ignore the voice of fear that suggested she might never find a decent partner. She began aligning her life with what she valued, certain that if she followed her truest path, it would lead her to the best of what life had in store for her. She said, “The smallest choices set the framework for our bigger choices, and all our choices fashion our total affect on the world around us.”
When it comes to relationships, we find wisdom when we don’t settle on a small scale, for what on a large scale, could undermine our happiness. The best thing about this advice? You can start now, with, as Lisa says, the smallest of choices. They do add up, they will create the love you have always known is yours.
Tell me your story of “dodging a bullet” in love. What happened for you? And what did you do next?
Write to me at elle@WisdomOut.com. You can also refer a wise couple (married, unmarried, gay, straight) to the Wise for Love project. Please visit our website at www.wisdomout.com
