Wise for Love: Knowing is not the same thing as understanding…
Acceptance without strings attached, enhances romantic relationships. It is tempting to say, “Duh.” But why then, do so many people who are great in other areas of their life struggle in romantic relationships?
In this month’s Wisdom Out Newsletter, I wrote about the value of “understanding” over “knowing” one’s romantic partner. When I talked with couples about this, they sorted out some of the terminology, equating “understanding” with acceptance and “knowing” with an intent to have rational justification for whatever the other person says, believes, or wants.
Like a lot of people, I’ve had some great relationships. Still, it is no mistake that I find myself studying the nature of wisdom in love and relationships. I’ve certainly been gullible and naive, if not completely foolish at times. One relationship I had was with someone who relentlessly badgered me to explain myself. And of course, he disagreed with most of what I offered. How, I would wonder, can he disagree with the way I feel (of course I never wondered this out loud as it would trigger a haranguing)?
I have to wonder if I’ve behaved this way myself. Dr. Brenda Shoshanna (author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love) once told me that if I find myself asking the same question, hoping to get a different answer (read as “hoping to get the answer I want”), it probably means I’m not accepting the other person. Now that’s a visible indicator that any one of us can monitor. But isn’t it helpful to know why the person is the way they are? Wouldn’t knowing this aid understanding? Maybe couples grill each other more rigorously than a trial lawyer because they are afraid the other person will see them as a doormat if they don’t. Fear of what might happen is never a good reason to do anything, much less diminish the person you love.
In his autobiography, Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his brother, “I wish they would only take me as I am.” Even in a person as gifted as Van Gogh, the ubiquitous longing for acceptance may be the way we test who will go the distance with us as we realize our dreams and uncover our greatness. Knowing that acceptance also improves our relationships is a compelling enough reason to give it a try.
Wisdom sees the best in others.
Tell me what you think about these ideas. I’m interested in learning from you.
Best Always,
Elle
www.wisdomout.com
