Wise for Love: Knowing is not the same thing as understanding…
Acceptance without strings attached, enhances romantic relationships. It is tempting to say, “Duh.” But why then, do so many people who are great in other areas of their life struggle in romantic relationships?
In this month’s Wisdom Out Newsletter, I wrote about the value of “understanding” over “knowing” one’s romantic partner. When I talked with couples about this, they sorted out some of the terminology, equating “understanding” with acceptance and “knowing” with an intent to have rational justification for whatever the other person says, believes, or wants.
Like a lot of people, I’ve had some great relationships. Still, it is no mistake that I find myself studying the nature of wisdom in love and relationships. I’ve certainly been gullible and naive, if not completely foolish at times. One relationship I had was with someone who relentlessly badgered me to explain myself. And of course, he disagreed with most of what I offered. How, I would wonder, can he disagree with the way I feel (of course I never wondered this out loud as it would trigger a haranguing)?
I have to wonder if I’ve behaved this way myself. Dr. Brenda Shoshanna (author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love) once told me that if I find myself asking the same question, hoping to get a different answer (read as “hoping to get the answer I want”), it probably means I’m not accepting the other person. Now that’s a visible indicator that any one of us can monitor. But isn’t it helpful to know why the person is the way they are? Wouldn’t knowing this aid understanding? Maybe couples grill each other more rigorously than a trial lawyer because they are afraid the other person will see them as a doormat if they don’t. Fear of what might happen is never a good reason to do anything, much less diminish the person you love.
In his autobiography, Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his brother, “I wish they would only take me as I am.” Even in a person as gifted as Van Gogh, the ubiquitous longing for acceptance may be the way we test who will go the distance with us as we realize our dreams and uncover our greatness. Knowing that acceptance also improves our relationships is a compelling enough reason to give it a try.
Wisdom sees the best in others.
Tell me what you think about these ideas. I’m interested in learning from you.
Best Always,
Elle
www.wisdomout.com
I believe what is central to the understanding vs. knowing issue is one’s intent. Do I ask to know you better so that shared intimacy can serve to draw us closer, or do I want to use the information as ammunition in a futre skirmish? As human beings, exposing our vulnerabilities is such a challenge we want to be as sure as we possibly can that the recipient will treat our tender places with honor and respect. Some people are not willing to open themselves enough to allow another access to those places, which keeps them from being both known and understood by others, and perhaps by themselves as well.
To me, understanding implies acceptance; it is a heart offering. Knowing seems intellectual. Both are instrumental in any relationship, but in a romantic one, the stakes are higher–greater potential for both joy and suffering.
Comment by Roberta Smith — July 7, 2010 @ 11:21 am
Hi Roberta,
Thanks for sharing your ideas. You make a good point about the need for both “understanding” and “knowing” in relationships–and the resiliency required when you let yourself be known. But wow! The joyful payoff when it all works is very sweet. Roberta, what is your take on the role of wisdom and as you say, one’s intent?
Thanks for chiming in with your point of view.
Best,
Elle
Comment by elle — July 7, 2010 @ 9:56 pm
Hi Elle,
Your question really made me consider my definition of wisdom. I so wanted to say something pithy and profound, but honestly I’ve felt my most wise when I’ve followed that small voice inside prompting me to say this or do that. I’m completely in the moment during those times, and the feeling of “rightness” is at once intense and comfortably natural.
For me, wisdom is not solely about relying on past experiences to guide me, because I may be ready today for a challenge I wouldn’t have learned from years ago. With regard to the relationship issue of understanding vs. knowing and how either is an expression of someone’s intentions, I think I would listen to my gut and trust the response. I would hate to be closed to someone who may have hurt me in the past if I felt he or she had grown past such behavior simply because of our history. But I’m not anxious to be a doormat! Wisdom will guide us if we let it. Unfortunately, we as women in particular, are conditioned to override our internal voices for the sake of being “nice”. I’m committed to reconnecting to mine and seeing where it takes me.
Thanks for listening (economy of word isn’t my strong point!)
Regards,
Roberta
Comment by Roberta Smith — July 8, 2010 @ 8:36 am